I have thought long about how I can help you, help anyone going through a major relationship transition- in this case a separation and divorce.
I’m not sure if that is a wise role for me as I am not completely though my own transition, but I think there is a need. I joined a couple of online divorce groups but they turned out to be trolling places for men! I started getting all sorts of social media messages from men looking for partners- that was unexpected. Sometimes my naivete is quite obvious.
I think the biggest things I can share because I know you, is that you need to get to know your truest self and define what you want and acknowledge you are responsible for changing your life.
Only after you stop blaming a partner for their actions, any and all of them, and instead focus on what you want and admit your own mistakes, only then can you capably move through the transition with a clear purpose and without hurting your spouse any more than you already have. Read Esther Perel’s approach– you can choose to have a second marriage with your spouse that is better than the first marriage or you can say the very difficult and painful but necessary words, “I will always love you and what we created in our 25 year marriage but I must move forward and grow and that will be without you.”
I have had to be very honest with myself– all of my affair partners knew where I stood when they met me. They all knew I was married, didn’t want to divorce, didn’t want to put my kids through a divorce, and all partners knew I offered no future relationship with them. I entered into all beds with consenting adults. But I neglected to get the consent of my spouse.
And therefore, I am a hypocrite. And a coward. And I will live with that my entire life.
And unfortunately, my spouse has to live with this searing pain of betrayal for the rest of his life. And my children will be forever affected because I changed the life they were born into and they can adjust, yes, but their sense of stability and the marriage contract has been forever tarnished. No one can go back to what life was. My actions have affected so many people. My only saving grace is to be humble. To acknowledge my grave error. And to be a better person and example in the future than I have been in the past. To do this, I must be successful in changing myself for the better so they can believe that all of this pain was worth it.
I must not fall into depression.
I must meet my familial obligations.
I must be a positive role model.
I must laugh and I must be joyful.
And I must demonstrate a commitment to honesty and authenticity in the future.
It has taken many years to negotiate the divorce settlement, dissolve two businesses, start my own business. I exist on a small icome during my separation knowing that what I can and have asked for in the divorce (maintenance) has a profound affect on my spouse’s future. He can no longer retire early, because I seek maintenance until my retirement age and the law allows that amount to be significant. I have earned it. I know this. But it is still ugly to force it upon him with the backing of the court.
We have children together, so I have worked hard to say often to the kids and to the public that he is a good person, a great father, a wonderful coach and I have done my best not to share the failings of our relationship with the public and to amend my statements about him to our mutual friends and be honest that I was the one who made cowardly choices. I have given up time with my kids to let them be with their dad at any event without resentment. I want him to find someone who will love him because he should have that and my opinions of him do matter so no one is afraid to take him on– I want to protect his reputation from my actions. In short, I want him to be happy.
Someone coming in to a new relationship with him, new to him and his ways, will be more assertive, will not let his insecurities dictate her behaviors, will stand up for herself and be an intimate, open partner. I want him to find someone, find comfort and the sensual experiences that everyone deserves from their lover, their life-partner.
Finally, I have learned through all of it that my spouse was a good partner for the first half of my life- he was good provider, a good father for children, he was the best person he knew how to be, he was a solid and steady and reliable partner with clear boundaries and limits of what he felt was moral and honest for the time in my life when I wanted to make a family. He always surprised me with his ability to step up to challenges and grow as a father, as a professional as a coach. I underestimated him many times on his capacity for growth.
I have asked myself countless times if I should return and make a second marriage with him (a perspective I have learned from studying Esther Perel). I know who I am now. And my conclusion is that I spent so many years without the intimacy and sensual connection because I held it back. Having been with men who offer both chemistry and an open mind and allowed me to fall forward without censorship and with confidence expressing my senual self and showing my vulnerabilities has taught me what was missing in my marriage and also exposed why I didn’t let myself give that to my spouse, to us. I learned I want that true intimacy in the next half of my life, and I want him to have that kind of intimacy in his life. But it cannot be with me.
Early in the separation I asked for what I needed — and he could not allow himself to give in the areas that would allow me to grow, to experience my full sensuality and confidence. He could not rise to the challenge of supporting my growth, he could not accept my learning and my approach and could not give me the permission to take the time I needed to find myself, either. I have not underestimated him in this. He told me he could not give me what I wanted. And therefore, it is time for me to accept that, be kind to him and move forward without him.
It is time. It has taken time. I regret not knowing myself well enough to be more merciful to my spouse.
But this is how it is; and I had to figure it out my own way and would not take any one else’s word on how to approach my own relationship. It took a long time to believe I knew what I wanted. I asked for a separation or divorce after he learned of my affairs, and he wasn’t ready to let me grow, and I wasn’t ready to make him face my needs. At the time, I only knew how to tell him what was wrong with the marriage; my request was laced with blame and my own pain.
I doubted my own reasons, but over the last few years of self examination I reaffirmed that I do need to leave in order to grow. My journals from 20 years ago helped tremendously. My writing and reflecting and documenting years ago, lent weight to my decision years later. It’s brutal and cruel to him that he had to wait for me to learn myself and that my hesitation has wasted nearly three years of his time to heal and more forward. However, I had a relationship with him for 30 years. I don’t think it is something that should be dissolved quickly. Three years is barely appropriate for exiting three decades of a life together, for ruining plans he had made based on a forever-marriage that we promised eachother in 1991.
I have done the best I can. He has, too. Hurting him was never my intent. But I have broken his heart. And I will live with that forever. Yet, my pain it is nothing compared to what he is living with.
The advice I give? I can’t– only you know your relationship and yourself.
Give yourself permission to separate, take the time to get to know yourself, learn what you want and ask for it, stop blaming your partner for any role in your affair(s) and be merciful or be a better partner with your spouse. Carry on.
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Jeezus, woman. Just say you grew apart. – Ret
For Reticent Mental Property. Images courtesy of the web. A nod to Esther Perel- therpist, author.
