Sex is Fun(ny)

RMPleguptryitSirYou never have a towel nearby, without planning, for the After.  And with planning, you may jinx yourself and never get to the After.

The sumakatra (?)  position you got into last night was implanted in your memory by Cosmo,  not by you. True.  It may not be possible to achieve. It may not even be called sumakatra.  Ahem.

The wet spot, is, sometimes,  inconveniently located too high,  as in,  up by your pillow. Deal with it.

First-time sex is awkward so do not limit yourself to the bed.  You can laugh, just as much, perhaps more,  in the living room, or in the car, or on the floor. The important thing is to laugh together. Next time, it’s all technique and flexibility showboating.

Children need you when the door is closed, locked, and barricaded by laundry.  Kids are  hard of hearing when the blockade is constructed. Words like, “We’ll be out in a minute! ”  turn into, after a brief  look at her wearing nothing but thigh high black boots-  which were by the way a super-bargain at DSW, even if he said you didn’t need anymore shoes, but instead, need a closet for the shoes, and a black leather corset-…You’ve completely lost your train of thought…. Shameless.  Snap back into the scenario– the kids are beating on the other side of the door, you are in a very hard-to-hold position with the little woman, you spew words out like, “Mommy and Daddy are busy getting dressed for teacher conferences, ” because your eyes have grown so big and you are so hard you have no blood flow to your brain because she is wearing that dildo that vibrates on the clit as well as on the shaft and.  You can barely stammar. Don’t even try to enunciate. Just say, “Go. Away.” and try not to use your falsetto voice or you’ll get the, “What Dad? WHAT?”  And. It will all. begin.again.

GOOD after-sex hair looks a lot like recently showered hair.

You get hair in  your mouth, yes. But you don’t need to cough it out like a hairball. Sheesh.

All that glamorous tearing of clothing in the movies,  is really, very hard to recreate.  Plan ahead and have her use a scissors if you need the rippppp to get you off.

Will he be able to pee with the door open after he sees those red 5 inch high heels?

There is no better view of a man’s bald spot than when he’s going down on you.  That being said, balding men are said to have more testosterone and make for fabulous lovers.

Cuff links are a bitch to undo. However,  any man wearing them is usually able to remove them just as swiftly as he is able to remove a pair of wet panties.

High heels serve a purpose. They should really be called- fall-into-my-arms-darlin’. You better believe they are designed by men (see Louboutin) in fact, men wore them before women.

Blow jobs do not require blowing.

All that air gets up there during the thrust,  you know,  must also come out. Men love this sound.

“Fuck You” is a universal term. Try using it in any country. Talk about cross-cultural communication.  It also results in face slaps when you use this as a question in the presence of a female. This is called cultural awareness. Get Some.

After, because there is no towel, do not, I repeat,  DO NOT,  reach for the Vicks infused kleenex to wipe your lady parts.

#for Reticent Mental Property

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