Written in response to a coffee shop conversation and one of those a-ha moments. The more I talk with people the more I realize very few of us are content. We are all searching for the next thing— constantly trying to find where we are supposed to be, maybe forgetting to live in the moment right then and there and learn whatever we are supposed to learn from that time.
1) a partner should treasure your person, be kind to your heart and mind and fears, and welcome expressions of sexual interest
2) a partner should feel confident in expressing his/her fears, needs, opinions, successes and future plans and be allowed to retain ownership of his/her own mental property
3) a partner should be a good friend; the friendship should be self-regulating without need for policing, shame or judgement
4) a partner should have interests and passions and goals and friendships outside of the main relationship which may or may not include the other;
CUT: attention should be paid to ensuring friendships/close business partners be the same gender or interactions should occur in the dynamic of couple to couple when gender is not the same.
FOR USE IN RELATIONSHIPS WITH BREECHES of TRUST
a) Recipients who get the time and attention of one of the partners should be fully aware of the relationship status and partners should be confident in saying, “i’m hanging out with so and so today, give them a call and let them know it’s okay with you and that I am loved by you.” In other words, “Please know this is my partner in life, I treasure him/her, respect this public partnership by sticking to the traditional boundaries afforded to it.”
b) Maybe a better way to say it is- Hold each other accountable with proclamation of love and the give, the acceptance of the value of interaction with other people, but without jealousy.
5) Marriages require attention, investment and flexibility during times of growth and change. Confident partners belie in learning and exploration in as many areas as possible to allow each to become their fullest and best selves
6) Partners should encourage and support expression and exploration of external family and history and dynamics that feel unhealthy or uncomfortable
7) Both partners should be joyful, able to demonstrate physical and emotional joy in each others presence and be examples of respect and tolerance to the other and evoke both an ease of conversation and radiate positive energy/spirit when the other is present
8) Love ebbs and flows, passion ebbs and flows, but through all of those ups and downs there is a commitment to meeting the emotional needs of a partner even when the physical needs aren’t in sync.
9) confrontations and arguments should be avoided, but constructive pauses, with requests for clarification and the belief that the intent of the others comments/actions are rooted in goodness and kindness should occur and should be encouraged. This should allow diffusion of angry or controlling actions/ moments.
10) Creative solutions rather than dumbing down to the lowest common denominator should be explored, pursued and preferred to promote best parenting practices (if raising children together is a factor) . Beyond child rearing, creative solutions to meet a variety of emotional and physical and mental needs of the partners should be explored and vetted, attempted and implemented without embarrassment or manipulation.