WHEN things changed doesn’t matter..truly, what you want to matter, doesn’t.

RMPneedingblue

We’re wanting the generous spirit of time to set us free, thinking that holding ourselves hostage to the past is going to release some mature spark, some heated imagination, sear two hearts, a melding into a pretty story for a harlequin romance.

We wake up to the sunrise to find we haven’t been made beautiful, yet. We succumb to this committment and the ticking of time and throw another decade on the fire.

Maybe we search for depth in our bond, maybe we struggle to walk from the temptations we think pull us from the grey of rights and wrongs. We keep score, we try to speak our truth, we rail against conformity.

Oh yes, we have duty, we have dreams that bind.

When two forms fit and believe together, both can blossom.

I’m on no journey.

I don’t need to learn from pain.

I don’t require truth to be revealed through the darkest times, through tears, through great loss, or struggle or some beating to death of my spirit so I can rise from the ashes.

I firmly reject all of it.  I am not so much growing, being transformed, meditating or medicating myself into my tomorrow face.

Instead, we are being revealed. We are open to loving, believe what has been missing in adventures previous is the alchemy, the undeniable heat we feel when limbs are a fraction of a space from his and we radiate an aching need to bring chemicals in line with impracticalities.

Love is not what is created by a scene or by the thrill of the meeting or by the possibilities of feeling something other than numb.

Simple desire – desire to bring our best and all our flaws to each moment- this is how emotional availability matures.

Damn bodice rippers, dammit all romance genre…the sex isn’t love. What we had was lovely. Yes.

It was perfect for the time we were in. It was meaningful and necessary and at times beautifully delicious. But it was always on this precipice of urgency, a route to solve a problem in a marriage or to work through a missing developmental piece of being a good partner…. it wasn’t lasting because I wanted you to change- and believe, me, I wanted to be changed. And I was willing to change FOR you.

That’s good for growth but not sustainable.

I don’t believe love is unconditional. I do believe Love is natural and love is necessary and love is undeniable. And it takes two.

Even now, when I examine my history, my growth, my lovers, I find I am not in control. Not at all. Never was.

.
Ruminating. Sleepless nights. Bad Dreams. End it. End that. End this. For God’s sake. Move forward. 
#For Reticent Mental Property. Pulled from the archives of August 2015. Edited to current self-awareness.  Images courtesy of the web.

6 thoughts on “WHEN things changed doesn’t matter..truly, what you want to matter, doesn’t.

  1. I think it’s a very good omen.. the mark of a wise and in control woman … when she realizes that it’s time to look for the exit sign … and then heads directly for it

    Like

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