Pain, Kissing, Love, Duty…


I can’t go back to the beginning because nothing in the past is ever the full truth.  When I look back from this place where I am now, in the middle of so much certainty,  I clearly remember being very focused on pain- an uncommon kind of pain.

You know. The kind of pain where you aren’t even aware it exists until someone asks a question that shifts the paradigm of the existence you’ve lived for the last decade.

It’s an awareness kind of pain.

It’s the kind of pain that exists with a story.

It’s the kind you remember when you are old.  And it turns you into the kind of person who has a history, has character, has lessons.  

It’s the kind that gives you the opportunity to share an honest answer when some young thing interviews you and you are that old woman who says with a fist raised, Yes! I admit I have regrets.

And the first regret is that you didn’t realize you needed that pain when you were cow-eyed and all swooning to the traditions of walking down the aisle, when you had visions of making babies who would carry your husband’s name into the future.

You know, the kind of pain that wakes you up and makes you start living in the present, for the present, before time slips away.   


She read it again and changed the word Pain to Kissing…. then to Love…then to Duty…then to…

#for Reticent Mental Property. 

What are you thinking?


G: Cups.. please tell me

What are you thinking?
What are you feeling?

C: Most of what i’m thinking and feeling is tucked away… where it has been for years, circling through my silence on the outside… and when i share it, it is usually neatly shared, repackaged for my listener, to avoid judgement and give the answer preferred…or the expected answer, the answer meant to come from the mouth of a supportive, gentle woman and wife…

It will take time for me to lay myself out there, G. i love cautiously, slowly…remember…?

She has never been honest.  But now, someone will be at her funeral to testify to her truth. 

# for Reticent Mental Property


RMPtoolbeltACME – only 1 employee

ACME love repair service for women (midwest)


ACME is a nonprofit full service love repair service for women that (sic) need short or long term sex repair above, (your head), and below your waist. We encourage special requests before or at the time of service call. We also provide a “drive to” for your convenience should a house call be dangerous.

We provide, among (sic) requests, the following services:
Light kinky, role playing, light bondage, s/m, oral specialists, including dirty talk, doggy, dining table, couch, counter-tops, and long slow bed work. ACME is an equal opportunity service provider to married, single, tall short, voluptuous, curvy women.

bbw types
require two service employees.

At this time there is only one ACME employee. He is 6′-1″, slender, has large purple plunger that is excellent for rump bumping, and ham slamming. He is very sexy and cool.

All employees are insured and bondaged, (sic) and they are guaranteed to perform their (sic) service call to your satisfaction or we will return again, again, and again until your (sic) SATISFIED.

She tries, unsuccessfully, to ignore the spelling, the grammar, the…
# for Reticent Mental Property

Eddie Vedder -unplugged


Feel it.

Sometimes, what you need is to just sit in it.

Don’t rush it to all better.

Be uncomfortable.

Be wordless.


She has…been.