Inquiries

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M’okay.
Truly a major time of transition
Recall daughter in remission?
I took it as a time to live, give, breathe.
I’m leaving a marriage– stifling, emotionally abusive,  controlling, needy. ..and it began when we were so young. ..we didn’t know how to avoid leaning on each other when we needed to fly and be ourselves first.
It’s a hard time.
I cry often.
It is a grieving.
Loads of counselors.
The couch is not as comfortable as it may seem.
The Year of 44 gives way to authenticity.
I’m leaving it and trying to be with my kids
and be myself.
It’s actually so worth it.  I am worth it.
But I am causing him so much pain. ..he doesn’t want to let me go . Wants to hold on in unhealthy ways.
I am strong.
I have not become jaded.  I know love. And all it can be, but wasn’t.
I am going to make it.
Thanks for thinking of me.  Love,  Ret
#for Reticent Mental Property
Images courtesy of the web

Her Truth

hanss ontattoo

I’m in a time of great change, Dear Reader.

My priorities remain constant- my children, my mind, my authenticity.

My growth causes pain; my heart is larger than my frame; my choices force choices where none were thought needed.

I am learning so much…things I didn’t want to learn, things I didn’t want to teach.

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She grabs her mat and goes to her practice. 

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#for Reticent Mental Property. Images courtesy of the web.

 

Puzzling

RMPpuzzle

Pieces of me have never quite fit.

Some sides are all curved and blend with the sky but somehow, never the ground.

I’m growing, I’m thriving. But there is a part of my being, that blocks out the sun.

Don’t worry about my bright and my merry; when dusk falls, I find my release, in the secrets I keep.

The paths that we choose-  hell, the paths that are chosen- we’re not wandering so much as we’re waiting for the rest of life to catch up with us.

We’re not hurting so much as we’re soothing our souls with the truth of connection and touch.

So I’m a breaker of hearts and a mender of minds while I’m bandaging, binding, bleeding red with the men who need just a whisper of appreciation; just a soft voice to stave off the lonely;  just a kiss of pure kindness; just the bliss and the twinkling of laughter; just the beautiful collapse of two bodies, spent.

I’m a solid believer in tradition laced with rogue. I’ve got a lifetime of living, precariously balanced, finding my toes clinging to fence posts, teetering between safety and savage and sin. I’ve made all my own choices, have committed in full.

I’m consistent. I’m wavering. I’m playing the fool.

But you’re not all that you believe you are when I’m with you.  And you’re far less than you think you can be.

So you are leaning into me- all suckling and slurping at the teat of my spirit- while I die, just a little bit, deep inside every day.

Give me a minute; I’ll trade you a decade.

Pay up tomorrow; we’re all borrowed and hocked to the hilt.

Leverage my loving.  It’s yours for the asking. I’ve taken the gold band of time.

Don’t look at me in the haze of the sunset- my shoulders all bronzed by the staggering sweep of your sun as you teach me your version of love.

Don’t see me as anything other than sweet simple defiance.

I’m solid.

I’m broken.

I’m through.

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There’s not a time she recalls knowing she wasn’t this way. Get to know me, she says. Accept me, she says. This way, she says.  Please me, she says:  just as I currently am.  

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#for Reticent Mental Property. Image courtesy of the web.

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Until

RMPloversingrass

My sleep-filled eyes take in the constant that is dawn. Through a treeline, budding with green, with trunk and limb and twig still black with the cold of winter, I gratefully accept the interruption of day.

I wake to a sky drowning in hues of orange, a soothing contrast to the grey of the frost absorbing the edges of moonset, clamoring and clinging to the last shreds of night’s end.

The stunning daylight is tenacious; she stubbornly saves her reveal until the outstretched arms, under the new dome of blue secure the last light of the night.

Welcome my Nature God, and your generous dousing of cyan to color the day.

Bring me your sunrise oh glorious life. Take me to borrowed tomorrows timed by the reliable turn of the planet and season.

Open my eyes wide to the gifts of the living. Wash me in rainstorms, introduce fertile earth to the air.

Let me nurture within me, these moments of transition; free me from winter, feed me spring’s song.

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Give me crocus to worship, tender-hearted lovers to hold; a coupling seduction until I grow old. 

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#for Reticent Mental Property. Image courtesy of the web.

Moments

RMPhairineyes

Live in the moment; try to be present.

The meaning of life – the reason we are put here on earth, the secret to happiness – is to live in the moment; to be fully engaged in that.single.moment…

And to learn from those precious moments we are given. -Ret

And in our time together I am shattering the philosophy while at the same time adhering fully to it.

I’m enjoying my day to day here in the present, in the doing what I do, while having the conversations I have, while immersed in the big projects from sunrise to sunset; every little observation enhanced because I filter each through the music I strive to pull into my life.

And at the VERY same time, I’m only half-here, half-present in the meaningful moments.  I’m only half-enraptured with the eruption of spring, only half-laughing at the antics of friends and family, only half-entranced with the starlight and moonbeams and the riffs I hear in the wind. Your smile is carried through its chorus, moves my hair across my cheek, my collarbone, tangling it into the eyelashes of these wizened and wondering hazel eyes.

Only half of me is here, present.

And half of me, is gone, a little lost,  living in the day to day of feeding your body, feeling your hunger for my limbs, letting my heart beat match yours while fingers play the length of forearms and across shoulders, tracing slowly the muscle and bone of your back.

Ours is a simple love in a complex structure of loving. And I am so grateful for the learning.

There you are! There you are.You have found me, all of me. Where have I been wandering all of my life?  

#for Reticent Mental Property. Image from the web.

Embrace

He wanted to know her.

She wanted to know him.

So young in the learning, so much simple and honest to be given.

A lifetime of masks and pretense

dropped to the floor,

as her little black dress,

slipped through his shaking hands.

There are reasons for the reflection years of 40/50.

It’s the truth telling that sets the mind free.

And then each sees what was always before him,

the irrational realm of living to explore.

Another lifetime is revealed.

So aware of the past mistakes;

so exquisite the arrival of her acceptance,

And both wrapped in the arms of tender reflection and forgiveness.

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Happy Valentines day, dear thinking ones. Celebrate her all year long.

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#for Reticent Mental Property. Image courtesy of the web.

RMPacceptance

Give Me

RMPfloorhug

She admits she needs more of his nakedness, his authentic self,  bare, unapologetic, smiling.

But I’ll take you clothed if that is all I can get she says.

I’ll take an eye-lock across a crowded theatre if your kind eyes are all I can embrace.

I’ll take a close lean in, excused by some proper reach for a what-not sitting on some ledge in our shared space  just to catch the scent of your body, in its everyday skin, in your nothing-going-on-here-with-this-woman-leaning-in-on-me,  if tasting your silent stance is all I may publicly pull to me.

I’ll take a wave out your car window as we drive opposite directions down a highway if that is all the time we are given.

When Taurus and Libra come together in a love affair, it can be the unification of two halves of a whole. These two Signs are thought of as being karmically linked. They’re both looking for security in a relationship and they share a love of art, poetry and culture. This relationship may start slowly as, on the surface, they might have few common interests. However, once they understand one another they may learn they have much more in common than was first apparent.  Taurus and Libra both have a love for the arts. They appreciate fine dining and theater, collecting art and music. Pleasure — physical, aesthetic — is a premium for these two Signs. They both love to woo and be wooed; courtship is a necessary part of any romantic relationship for them, and since they both have this need, they fit well together. Taurus appreciates Libra’s charm; if stubborn Taurus doesn’t get their way, diplomatic Libra is able to smooth things over and keep the peace. Libra appreciates the luxuries that sensual Taurus provides them. They also have much to teach one another:
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She held little appreciation for cosmic alignments, for collisions propelled by fate. Then she met a man: he was all Libra. 
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#for ReticentMentalProperty. Image sourced from RETsTumblr. Quote: Astrology.com – Horoscopes. See the mah-velous Linnet Moss‘ comment below for further reading on this topic.