L

WPhands

He moves forward,

frayed, weathered, wronged.

The distance is unmeasured by vows.

She looks back,

having unburdened her lack

on unsuspecting blame takers.

She’s not grown alone, she’s pulled someone along,

more than one someone, more than one time.

Perhaps she has climbed on their strong spines

when hers was doubled over, in blindness.

 

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He’s not hers, she lays no claim, she hasn’t let go of her yesterdays. Yet. 

#for Reticent Mental Property. Original post, Sept 26, 2016. Revisited and revised August 10, 2017.

 

 

 

 

Do not

RMPprovo

one more try

i seek your forgiveness, your graces, your respect.

yet

when I sit at your feet, i feel nothing.

I desire to desire you.

Is that asking too much?

I desire to fix all mistakes, bring back innocence and youth and to repair your shattered heart.

It is not enough. These are not reasons to return.

Return only- i have learned- for that crazy dancing lust enveloping the practical side, that primal urge creating attachments caused by a brain hard wired for carnal pleasures and a need to feel alive.

“Do not return for guilt. Do.not,” lectures the therapist. After 30 years the stories from those lounging in the chaise she recognizes when the truth is heard, when someone listens, when someone, finally, forgives herself and moves forward toward trusting her own head.

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for Reticent Mental Property. Images courtesy of the web.

Flip

I’ve lived the traditional road. Married young, faithful, accommodating, not free.

I’ve left a burned path behind me. Lived large for 30, then unfaithful for three.

I’ve apologized for my transgressions. Left the life, never regretting setting myself, free.

But then I took notice of the silence.

Took care about the falling from grace.

I stood strong on principle and fashioned arguments that would not fail.

I lived big and high and mighty.

I lived less, and low and lusty.

It was a way of life for the ones who were romantic; an escapade emulated by few.

I’m a woman with a want and a passion. I desire to make myself into two. One of me will meet all your measures. The other will be everything to anyone.but.You.

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She’s a girl in a woman’s position. She will learn. She will grow. She will die. 

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#for Reticent Mental Property. Images courtesy of the web.

 

 

 

Move over, move out.

20s16

What the fuck are you up to woman? 

I don’t know. I reject Paulo Coelho. I avoid the self-help aisle, believe it might be infested with cockroaches. I do not want to be on some damn journey.  I just want to be solid and sure like I have been in the past.

Of course, you do like security. Like to be in the know. 

Yes, I do. I’m a thinker, a student, a practical woman. Jeezus

Well, there are times in our lives when we all make changes. This is that time? for you? 

I don’t know. What good do changes do if you choose the same choices the next time you have the chance? What have I learned? How many times will I take care of someone else at the expense of myself?

You are a caretaker. Why do you deny yourself this? 

Because my job is not to be everyone’s everything.

Why won’t you let anyone love you? 

Why doesn’t everyone stop loving me? I just want to love me. First.  I want to love myself. I want to be selfish and take care of myself. Just me. Just Me.

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Give her some goddamned room. 

#for Reticent Mental Property. Images courtesy of the web.

 

 

 

Take Wing

pinterest12

examine your concept of distance, the fundamental need for personal space. juxtapose independence with the desires of a loving partner who recognizes your spirit and seeks only to breathe in your air, to take space near your form, to feel the heat of your skin radiating life from the very bones of your person.

take poetic license, the ease of banter and conversation. slash this with the red pen of a gentle reader who seeks to study your string of letters, wishes only to add to the margins an understanding of your life story, wanting simply to absorb your aura trapped inside the pages of this leather bound book.

touch the child inside, the laughing joyful exuberance. quiet her mind with the expectations and rules of a father-like lover, patting your arm when you giggle too long,  shushing silliness which cannot be kept at bay when sitting in the the pew,  under stern gazes and tradition, he pales as smirks and exaggerated snorts burst from your mouth, flying to the cathedral’s ceiling where silence is your penance.

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I shall not be bound by your needs. I shall learn to fly for my own, first. 

#for Reticent Mental Property. Images courtesy of the web.

A Rat’s Ass

RMPsunriseEarthSky

When you know he truly doesn’t care, it’s a bit of a shock.

Indifference? It’s more.

It’s the kind of uncaring that is defined by a dismissal of physical pain, a dismissal of someone’s need for help, care, assistance in a time of medical need. It’s a time when you throw out your back and you know he has vicodin but he says he’s out.

THEN you know he couldn’t give a flying fuck.

And that is the point when you stop feeling agony about making life-changing decisions for both of you.

It’s the time when you realize there is no going back to your old life.

It’s the time when you know you are no longer a human being to him but instead, just a distraction, a pain in the ass, a foregone conclusion, the mere mother of your shared children.

And that is a relief.

#for Reticent Mental Property. Images courtesy of the web

 

Hesitation

RMPwomanwalkingaway

Advice from friends:

You need to make some decisions. Your children must be confused.

Clearly you weren’t right for each other; you are causing needless pain by delaying the obvious.

He needs space to heal. Get out of his life; he’ll handle it.

Are you celebrating? She gave him a deadline. The papers are filed, right? No? They aren’t. You are a fool, man.

When I got my divorce I just filed the paperwork. Boom. Done.

What? You still haven’t filed? You’ve been out of the house for 13 months. What are you waiting for?

All this stress will kill you. Get in to see a therapist. You need to move on.

Sit there. Right there. Feel it. It took you 30 years to get into this. It will take some time to get out.

The first 2 years are hard; really hard.

.

No wisdom applies. Going by gut feel. 

#for Reticent Mental Property. Images courtesy of the web.